I needed a one-stop shop for my thoughts, ramblings, poems, and some pictures.
Why I’m blogging:
I’ve always been one to want to write everything down, and because I get a new journal every birthday and every New Year this seems more economical. Plus… well it’s 2018.
My whole life has been a series of categorizing my feelings instead of actually feeling them- well, since I can remember. Every experience I’ve had since I was young has been placed in mental compartments labeled “try not to think about this ever again”, “Pretend that didn’t happen or hurt”, “Make this out to be bigger than it is”, “Minimize this to make it smaller than it is” “Think about the magic in this moment forever and build it up until its unrealistic”, “hopes, dreams and wishes”… you get the idea. I’ve always struggled with balance in the space of emotions. In fact, I got so good at compartmentalizing I stopped crying for somewhere around 7 years- the spell broken of course by the birth of my daughter. Sometimes I hold a grudge that you can see on my face a mile away, sometimes I cry for no reason, and other times when I should be crying.. I can’t. The one emotion I tend to hide most- Joy. For some reason a cheesy smile is always covered by my hand. It’s like I’m afraid to allow it. I think it boils down to people reacting to it like it’s uncharacteristic of me.. so the cycle continues.
As I near 30 I decided I want to be more of a healthy person (better late than never?) emotionally, and want to be more present as I experience emotions, instead of filing them away to deal with when I feel like it, or not at all. I want to hurt when I’m hurt, not when I’m triggered. I want to rejoice when I’m happy, not be afraid of looking silly with joy I can’t hide. I want little things to matter; a smile that doesn’t turn into a passionate kiss, a lazy, boring day- no adventure means no drama right? An annoyance that doesn’t turn into a day-ruiner. Everything doesn’t have to be a huge deal! I daydream all day long, and tend to put more worth on things, good and bad than I need to, and I want to just be… PRESENT.
I’ve been writing a ton of poems, I’m seeing a therapist, and I’ll be engaging in a healing class (29 weeks long!) this fall. Some posts I’ll write just for me- others, the more relatable ones I will share. My idea is to write this for Ruby… That as I become a healthier person, I will guide her along with me- so she doesn’t have to realize these things at 30. She is the reason I’ve changed at all, and she is my purpose for becoming new. Everything for you my gem.
This scripture means a lot to me right now; that I will dazzle from the inside and because I often have to remind myself that as much as I love my jewel, how much more precious am I to my heavenly Father?
“You are far more precious than jewels” Proverbs 31:10